One day, I'll trust again
Wow... so my story... where to begin... You would think as an aspiring writer, this would be easy-- talking about myself and my life, but when you go through this journey called life; it's hard to tear some walls down and be vulnerable on the internet, because the internet is FOREVER!!!! Nevertheless, thanks for being along for the ride and this is my story.
This story is about betrayal, friendship, and first loves-- something that I'm sure plenty you have endured and can connect with.
Short version-- my best friend betrayed me by going behind my back to tell my ex some information that she had no business sharing. Girls-- you guys have that ONE gal pal you can talk to about anything right? Well, I learned that day that I could trust no one. My ex took that information and had been seeing someone behind my back, so it really should have not affected him, right? Wrong! In a way, they both turned it on me and wanted me to feel the feelings of belittlement, guilt, and sadness, but my actual feelings? Betrayal, Anger, and Hurt-- that I had thought these were my people and would be for a very long time.
At the end the truth came out-- they were both toxic for me; not contributing any positive attributes to my life, but instead making me an anxious mess, depressed, tired and making me work for their friendship. I had been the best friend and partner that I knew to be-- helping my ex with law school applications, personal statements, constant encouragement-- even with the lack of intimacy that he was providing (oopss... sorry, not sorry!)
Some will say and think that sharing my story is not right-- this is not revengeful. Honestly, even though I have nothing to do with either of them (good riddance!) they bought taught me that I deserved a great deal better. I wish them both well-- but they also have taught me to always keep my guard up.
Fast forward, I'm in a FAN-TAS-TIC relationship with a MAN (ladies, get yourself a man, not a BOY--there is a distinct difference!) and this man has poured everything and made me feel that I can tear my walls down; he won't use my past against me, my past mistakes are not supposed to define me, but build me, and that I can learn to trust again.
I definitely play no victim card, my past actions and decisions have not always been smart or the most intentional, but they were my decisions and the older I get-- the more I realize, I'm human and I made and will continue to make mistakes. Do I sit there and blame myself and beat myself up, or do I stand up and move forward? No one has the power to put me down, except myself. I am my biggest critique, motivator, lover, etc. so I need to provide my best to myself and those I love.
There are so many to thank for where I am-- my family, my therapist, my friends, my partner, but most of all-- myself. I stood up for me. I was there for me. I am proud of me. I don't know what the future holds, but for where I am now... well.. I'm happy.
I hope you are happy & if you are not, I pray you find your happy and know that I'm cheering you on from a distance.